You know it’s a temporary relationship.
You get a new phone, you love it for at least a few weeks, and then reality performs its corrosive worst.
Thegets dirty. It begins to look older. And, worst of all, it slows down and falls asleep far too quickly.
Such is the circle of life. Which doesn’t prevent the likes of Apple and Samsung from promising you lifelong joy. Or, at least, daylong battery life.
Apple is particularly convinced that your relationship with its iPhone 11 Pro will last forever. So much so that it’s just released a mindbogglingly eye-numbing ad to prove its point.
Shot on an iPhone 11 Pro, this is an attempt to mesmerize you with the glories of the Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg. The one in Russia, rather than Florida.
The music is suitably ethereal. The camerawork is meticulously slow. And, yes, of course, there’s someone dancing, because everyone does that in a museum.
I’d love to offer you a comprehensive, artistically poised review of this thing, but there’s one slight drawback: It’s five hours, 19 minutes, and 28 seconds long.
Worse — I mean, of course, more gloriously — it’s all one shot. Which may make some wonder how much a certain cameraperson’s arms hurt by the end of this oeuvre.
Perhaps they did it like the Olympic relay, carefully handing over the phone to the next DP.
I’m told a Steadicam, a crane, a dolly, and a gimbal may have played supporting roles in this attempt to make a movie more exciting than The Irishman.
Of course, we have to take Apple’s word for it that this iPhone 11 Pro managed to film for so long. (Or not.) Moreover, I suppose it’s worth asking if anyone will actually sit through this whole thing and in what circumstances.
Hey, iPhone Pro and chill, anyone?
I admit freely I watched little bits of it and then skipped to see if it has a happy ending. I regret to say that after much artistic exposition and pulsating Russian drama, there appears to be only one survivor.
Oh, should I have offered a spoiler alert?